complicated

Why is life so complicated? I feel love by many but so alone at the same time. I live wearing an invisible mask. A mask that I can hide behind. I smile because then people think that you are doing OK. I have hope that Presley will fight Leukemia and one day be given the title of "survivor". I also live with fear that she is the 5-10% or number that doesn't win the fight. I have moments when I forget about cancer and the toll it's taken on our little fragile family. The reality is that my mind and life is so consumed with this crazy cancer that we cannot just walk away from. I have days I just pretend that all this didn't happen. I cry and I sing, I wish laughing came a little easier for me these days. I'm numb to a lot of things, its so much easier to just stay numb and not acknowledge this trial. I have a few angel friends, but I live so far away from my family and friends. I long for those familiar faces who give the kindest hugs and people stopping by with a little pick me up. I don't understand why somethings have happened in the past few weeks. I feel distant at times but need people all at the same time. Why do some people judge? Why am I being judged? My world has been turned upside down. The load I carry is so heavy. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I don't know if life will ever be carefree again. I took that for granted. The thougth of Presley's cancer relapsing haunts me. Presley's cancer journey has stole her innocence and left her fearful, scared and in pain. Cancer not only affects her but Crew suffers in his own ways as well, it's affected us all. He is struggling with seperation anxiety and fears that he will not be with his family. I hated that he was away from us for 2 months. Will he ever understand? His trust cycle was broken. I feel like a turtle, slow and often hiden under a shell. I have always wanted to have more children. Do I dare take any more chances? I pray I will get another child but don't know if that will be in cards. I am not myself. Will life ever be what is was before? My heart is so full at times but so empty other times. My problems are too big for many. I'm now surounded by people who are doing hard things. Can you see why I say "complicated"? COMPLICATED.