Hello, Anyone still there?

I have neglected this blog and if there's anyone out there still reading.. I'm sorry!!  Our world is getting back to normal everyday but I continue to play catch up with life. Things have gotten easier since Presley has been on maintenance chemotharapy, but I have finally been forced to deal with the emotion of it all. Once the hospital visits slowed down and life got easier I have no longer been fueled by adrenaline. I have been exhausted to say the least. It all just hit me.  Pair that with the fear.  The fear is the worst of it and it is hard to describe to someone who hasn't gone through it, but it can be so hard. The ups and downs of my emotions are hard to control. There are the "little fears", like hearing a little kid hacking up a lung behind you in the grocery store and knowing your cancer child will catch it and it's only a matter of hours before you're headed to the ER for iv antibiotics, fluids, and a full blood work up (not to mention an entire night without sleep because the ER likes to keep you there for at least 5-6 hours). Or if Presley has an extra rash, bruise, bump... you name it...it keeps me up at night, worrying.  I feel like a crazy person, ok... I am a crazy person. Then I worry about Crew.  Every fever, ache, or pain I just know he has leukemia.  I admit that I have already taken him in to the pediatrician to have his blood tested, of course he was perfectly healthy, but my crazy cancer -mom brain just goes to the worst case scenario and before I know it I have talked myself into another cancer diagnosis.  I also worry about the life my children have lost and trying to make up for those times that our family was simply in "survival mode". Survival mode for 2.5 years is hard. So very hard. Just living day to day. As if the "little fears" aren't enough, I am constantly faced with the "big fears" the ones that are very real and every cancer parents worst nightmare. I live in constant fear that everything will come crashing down like it did March 12, 2013. Holding my breathing wondering what's next? There is never a moment in my day that I don't have a pain in my heart caused by that fear. It can all be too much to bear at times. To be honest this winter has been a hard one for me emotionally, and that is why the blog has suffered because this blog is my emotional release and I just wasn't ready to share the hard times I was feeling. The kids have also been very sick this winter. Sick kids is very hard on mom! I try to be very honest on this blog while being as positive as possible, but sometimes in the cancer world being positive is just too difficult.  So...if there is anyone still out there reading, I am sorry that I neglected this blog, but I am back!