my "mama heart"

I am so tired I haven't slept an eight hour night in over 2 months. Having a sick child, comes with sleepless nights. When I do finally lay down, my mind has so much to think about that I can't sleep. This is that time I can actually think about what my heart really feels. I often refer to this as my "mama heart". Today on Mothers Day I have reflected a lot about what it really means to be be a mother. Being a mother is a gift to woman. Many don't see it the way I see it. The world would tell me that I should be out doing something for me today. I also hear the message that being a mother is not all that rewarding. Many woman are more worried about who they are, or about image, or what they can accomplish. I chose not to listen to that. I believe being a mother is a gift. I'm not here to say that being a mother has been easy. Actually it has been one of the hardest thing for me. Nothing that yields blessings comes without sacrifice or hard work.
I can't describe the pain it feels to lie in that uncomfortable hospital bed and hear children cry. These are the times I say "my mama heart can't see anymore of this, hear or read anymore". That's when I want to get off the 4th floor at PCMC. But its during these times that I feel my heart growing. I find myself wanting to pushing away and wanting to be alone. To wear that invisible mask that hides the true pain I feel. If I could, I would have held that little blind 8 month old that night who's mother left him to suffer cancer on his own and to now figure out a world without eyesight. I just wanted to scream "No". That moms heart is shrinking.
Today is a day to celebrate what motherhood means. The sacrifice, love and patience that is required to be a mother. Everyday my "job" is more rewarding but also more challenging. I can't even describe how proud I feel to say that "I'm a mother". It was a lot easier to be a teacher, and to only work 9 months out of the year and 10 hours a day, with 2 weekend days off. I think my only time off is when sitting in the dentist chair for an hour, two times a year! To everything there is a season. My season today is hard, but it won't be forever. I'm thankful today for my Mother and all that she has taught me and done for me. I will always be thankful for a husband who values me at home with the children. My mama heart was so proud to see my daughter WALK to the stand to sing the tradition Mothers Day songs at church. She didn't know all the words, she didn't care. I loved seeing that smile sing the songs. Thanks Paul, for taking Presley shopping to get mommy a special gift. Thanks for tracing those tiny hands in a card for me. The kids don't understand what Mothers Day means, but every year they will a little more. Today my mama heart grew a little bigger. Just like it did the night I wanted to hold that little boy. Good or bad, my mama heart will continue to grow and learn. I hope someday to be a mother that my children will look up to. My life would not be what it is today without those tiny handprints all over!

All ready for church. 

Getting a manicure!