Miracles Happen

Today we were given a miracle. I knew in my heart we needed it so bad. The past 10 months have been hard enough. I'm so thankful for everyone who prayed for us. We could feel those prayers. It feels so comforting knowing we have so many who support and love us. My heart is full in that aspect but so empty is other areas. I was feeling so good about the first 17 days of the new year. I was working on meal planning, getting the house organized, finally losing some weight and then bam...it hit hard this time. Our life was once again turned upside down. I wish I were better at describing and writing just how hard it feels to once again have your world spinning. Everything is dropped and your just pleading for the best results. I long to be "normal" to feel like I did 10-11 months ago. Well not really... the panic of her being pale was setting in the last few days of January, last year. I really wonder if I will ever be normal again. I'm guessing not. Maybe the ups and downs will be less frequent but the worry and fear of relapse is such a haunting feeling. If it's not the fear of the relapsing, its the worry of the late effects of all these drugs and chemo treatments. So much has been robbed from her and it breaks my heart. It hurts even more today to see normal 4 year-old playing. Yes we have had to opportunity to enjoy fun things too. Some say we are spoiled, maybe even jealous of us. Jealous? These people must not know what it's really like. These cancer kids endure so much. They are fighting for their lives. When this was told to me I thought who really said this...It can't be true. No one would really think this, right? We would trade anything to not live with this monster. I know I try to post just the positive things on the blog and it looks like all we do is have fun. Not the case here. None of those events go without dealing with drama that this cancer life brings. Weather it be that she doesn't feel good, can't walk because shes too week, or has no excitement to be there. We keep going and just continue to pray that life will smooth out soon.  Every time she complains of her legs hurting or I see those bruises on her legs or the paleness of her skin, I worry. I panic really. We are in maintenance, we have looked so forward to this, hoping life would level out. I was warned, they were so right. Maintenance is not better, just different. A whole new set of worries and issues to deal with. The day and time I was also warned about that less support and people checking in has happened. We are there. I really have never felt so alone. I know sounds crazy...seems like life is just peachy. We always get to do fun things. But those fun things come with a cost, a very heavy load. I would trade it in a heart beat for a carefree life style that didn't include anything fun, only the fun I provided, and not others. Those that have created fun for us are angles. They are the ones who know what this life must be like. I'm forever in debt to those who are so sensitive. I am once again in a numb state just trying to numb the hurt my heart feels.
I'm so thankful for the miracle we were given. I was more scared this time around for the BMA (bone marrow pull) because I know better.  I know what relapse means. I'm forever grateful for the month of December, it was such a gift. A dream. Those angles that were among us did so much good. We had minimal issues with cancer and felt normal for that one month.
 I know and feel the Lord is close to me and my family. I have had two almost spiritual things happen that have reminded me that the Lord and Jesus do not forget about us. One is too spiritual to talk about in a public blog. Here is the other..
As I have been preparing for our up and coming wish trip. I got some luggage for the kids. Nice Pottery Barn luggage. I got them for a great deal. $19.99 vs. 90.00. I just had to pick off the monogramming that spelled the name of a different child.. I was able to find a matching set for Crew. The blue camo rolling suitcase, the back pack for extras and the small carry on backpack for snacks, entertainment items, water bottle and ipad. I had the rolling suite case in pink and green polka dots and the small carry on backpack for Presley. I couldn't find the the larger backpack in the right print. I searched different locations to see if they would have the matching print. I settled for a different print that had the same colors but different pattern. Presley really wanted it to match like bothers. While in Southern Utah I went to one last store hoping for the best. I skimmed the place and didn't see what I was looking for. For some reason I checked every shelf and was very intent on finding a pink and green polka dot backpack. It was in the last pile that I saw the print, my heart was smiling. I then pulled it out and I could not believe what I saw. There in green monogramming were the letters PRESLEY on the pink and green backpack. I sat there with tears in my eyes. I was in shock. I didn't move for 5 minutes just trying to "feel". I knew and could feel the Lord close to me. He was hearing my prayers and this was a reminder that he has not forgotten about my little girl fighting such a big monster. What are the chances? I really don't believe in chance. I know things happen in our life for a reason. I needed that reminder so badly. I needed to feel what I felt that day. Presley was so excited. I'm so thankful for the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who want the best for me. I know we go through trials and they refine us, but trails would be so hard if we didn't have that knowledge. So thankful for our miracle and for the Lord remaining consent in my life.